Title: How Far
Author: Voice In The Darkness
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I, unfortunately do not own Kellie Pickler, nor Katharine McPhee, or anyone else who may appear in this story. It is purely a literary works of imagination, nothing more.
Summary: Katharine Hope McPhee and Kellie Dawn Pickler have one thing in common; their dream to become the next American Idol. Fate brought them together. Will the mutual feelings of trust and affection that once flourished, blessing them with so much happiness and gratification now be the one thing that ultimately causes them the most anguish and pain?
Author’s Note: Here are the lyrics to “How Far.” A song sung beautifully by Martina McBride, as well as performed on American Idol by Kellie Pickler, herself. Please use them as your introduction to this fanfic.
“How Far”
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end
[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
[Chorus]
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
Prologue
Have you ever found yourself staring intently at the person sitting across the room from you? In a favorable position you are seated at a table, in a crowded room amongst many others. As your sparkling blue eyes peregrinate the room, it is this mysterious stranger who entices you. She captures and holds your attention. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes into hours, and soon you loose all track of time. With a look of blissful contentment she enchants and dominates your mind, especially your imagination. Longingly and lovingly, with much unwavering attention you observe, unable to break your reverie. And if you could, would you?
As you fight with some unnamed emotion, your cheeks flush. Excessively eager you examine and watch her closely, lacking subtlety or any other attempt at concealment. This person excites considerable curiosity. Easily and strongly affected by emotion, you soon begin to experience profound and mystifying physical and mental sensations. Each intellectual thought traveling through your frayed mind triggers a tingling sensation that courses through your veins; quicksilver straight to your heart. Doubts and uncertainties rise and these lustful feelings leave you pondering many things; things you cannot possibly even begin to fathom.
Absent-mindedly your slender fingertips nervously play with your long blonde tresses. You are drawn towards this unknown person like a magnet and you have no idea why. It’s as if you two are the only ones in the crowded room, and no one else seems to matter. The longer your eyes are directed at her, the more intrigued you become. As these sensations surface and fade you show keen understanding by delving a bit deeper, surrendering to these emotions something very noteworthy and valuable is discovered in this person of interest. You study the contours of her face. Her distinctive beauty and charisma leaves you with an intense desire to learn everything there is to know. You long to know something, perhaps just her name. Anything, to soothe your curious mind. But why? Besides her stunning good looks and cute mannerisms, what makes this mystery woman any different from all the other attractive faces in the room? You haven’t a clue, but the more questions you raise, the more you come to realize, there are no right or wrong answers. This is life, and this is fate, your fate…
As good natured thoughts and vivacious images pass through your mind, you sluggishly begin to succumb to vulnerability. To the point where it starts to open up your chest and heart. Sadness flickers briefly through you, as memories tear at your heart. Unbeknownst to this woman of interest, you have a past filled with much heartache and pain. Lives you’ve touched and loves you’ve lost. And now you question more closely just what is the cost, of fairy tale feelings and dreams coming true? You are so frightened and apprehensive to unleash these private thoughts that you continuously bury them so far, deep down into your psyche. You try to see clearly but you’re scarred with wounds ever so deep that you keep tucked away, promising yourself you will free them someday. In your efforts to hide the past, these unpleasant and undesirable times in your life are suppressed and forgotten. Abolished and abandoned, and at no time will they ever be known to another.
It takes such courage to open your heart. Your inhibitions tell you that if you do so, this stranger very well might leave you in a chaotic state. You have spent your entire life building up defenses, putting on that protective suit of armor to keep people at a safe distance. To protect your deepest and sincerest organ; your heart. So each time you feel an inclination to introduce yourself, you reluctantly pull back.
No matter how aloof, hesitant or disinclined you are when it comes to opening up your heart to the power of friendship and intimacy, it is unquestionably true beyond dispute … people wander into our lives for an important cause. And surprisingly more often than not, it is during an unsettling time in our life. Like the present.
Presumptuously and eager to face this stranger with a sense of confidence and fearlessness you admit to yourself that your enchanted moment is present. You are content knowing the angels up above must have sent her. She is the one person meant just for you and soon your paths will cross. She will be so much more than just an unknown face across the room.
You are completely carried away by the beauty of her presence. You worry and wonder many things, like perhaps, do you have any control over what you think and feel? This question is purely hypothetical. Because of circumstances beyond your control, rarely no you do not. Nor do you choose who you lust after. Far from it, on the contrary. Love has no boundaries, nor does it know gender, therefore it just happens. What you do have power and authority over is what you do with these feelings, and how you choose to handle your deepest, darkest, embedded emotions.
Emotions. They are the driving force behind all actions. They can and will destroy you if you let them. Seemingly, emotions take you on the highs and lows of life, driving you towards success or failure. Pleasure or pain.
As you feel, you desire. As you desire, you are generally inclined to take chances. Adventurous ones that frequently bring you bouts of extreme pleasure, contentment and joy. However, the basic fact remains. From time to time you may lack clarity and be left in a bittersweet state of bewilderment. These heightened feelings of emotional distress can and will be problematic, rekindling your fears and doubts in mankind.
Friendship and love takes hostages. You are held prisoner, manipulated by your very own thoughts. Abandoned and alone these misconceptions move furtively and secretly, leaving you crying amidst the shadows of darkness. Something so simple, like a phrase, “maybe we should just be friends,” or a friend ending your friendship for some unknown reason turns everything into a glass splinter, working its way into your heart, into your mind, and into your soul. Here it enters the realms of reality, and it hurts. It’s a soul-hurt, a real get inside you and rip you apart kind of pain.
You ask yourself, is it worth the pleasure you will endure? What about the pain? Amid conscientious efforts these troublesome sensations leave many questions and so very few answers. With each new friendship or relationship, there is a price we all pay. Nothing is easy in life, and whether it be a man, woman, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend or enemy, emotions are involved. Emotions that bring a collaboration of pleasure and pain. Embellished emotions that lift you up one minute and the next you find yourself crying as they begin to tear you down.
You read stories about true romance. It starts with smile, a casual innocent one; one that leaves you yearning for more. Next you begin to feel like this person has become your answered prayer, the friend you need, the one you desired in our life. Everyone, including you, needs hope inspiration and support to make it through life; in order to survive the treacherous long days and cold lonely nights. As your wants and desires intensify you tend to long for more. Much more. As you slowly begin to open up your heart to this person you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something one day. You may have shared an intimate conversation with them, or they kissed you, or simply smiled at you; something that changed you. And from that day forth, your life isn't you’re own anymore. What oftentimes starts out as a beautiful friendship can bring healing, along with pleasure. But it can also be the one thing that can and will bring the most pain. Intense turmoil that leaves you questioning everything. Whether this is lust? Pure desire? A longing for intimacy and sex? Or could it possibly be love? You ponder many things in life; perhaps how two women, or men for that matter, can have intimate feelings and desires for one another. Are they “just feelings” or are they deep desires, ones that might someday be explored?
Love is persistent, gentle and pure. It pushes further until you’ve surrendered; body and soul, and give it a home in your heart, now made whole. The feelings, emotions and words shared are frequently much more fulfilling than intimacy. It is a sharing that goes so much deeper than mere physical touch. You let down all barriers, you let your partner experience the real you, no pretense, no masks, just raw truth … and in an ideal situation they return the favor exclusively. To you, your significant other is one you’ve allowed to slip into your personal fortress and one you hope chooses to remain. Sex is an affirmation of that openness and desire. Poetically speaking your intimate partner touches your soul and whose loss you would grieve.
You have two choices; you can either hear the wake up call or you can walk away. You’re not your past. It’s only one piece of you, it’s not everything! Just last night you listened attentively to these wise words spoken to a heart transplant patient on “Three Rivers.” As the reel plays over and over in your frazzled mind, you realize just how much truth is hidden behind these meaningful words. Though the circumstances are very different the truth of the matter is; they do speak to your heart, because there is a reason. So you choose, you decide. How far are you willing to go for the one you love?
And this is the story of Kellie Dawn Pickler and Katharine Hope McPhee.
